it just sucks. This weekend we unfortunately had to bury my husband’s grandmother. This in itself sucked. This involved a two-day trip to Pittsburgh. My level of anxiety was fairly high before the trip, mostly because of taking Vivian out of town. 3 hours each way in the truck, with a child who wakes up when we slow down or stop, only if she miracuously falls asleep in the vehicle. About 6 hours spent in a funeral home. Trying to eat meals in a hurry when Vivian prefers to eat very leisurely. There’s much more, but you get the drift.
She ended up doing pretty well, despite the fact that she was also sick. She only puked once, which happened to be on the way to the funeral Saturday morning.
I should explain why this really sucks. Dave has two cousins and they all have little girls within a year of each other, Vivian being the youngest by about 3 months. Those little girls were there and I just have to say that I love seeing them! They both have great parents and are extremely adorable, smart, well-behaved children. It’s just tough seeing how my daughter should be. Saturday both the girls were there and while Vivian was watching a movie, they were coloring and playing. At lunch afterward, they were eating their food themselves, talking, singing. I hit my breakdown point. In August we were all at a graduation party together and it was the same. The girls were running around, playing, coloring, laughing. Vivian crawled around the yard, watched a little of a movie and was able to cruise a little bit on the driveway ledge. I was fortunate to have not packed any warmer clothes for Viv and ran to a store in town to get some for her. I had barely made it out of the driveway before I burst into tears. It has nothing to do with the girls, or even the little boy who lives next door to us who’s a month younger than Vivian. It’s the fact that it’s right there in my face how my child “should” be. I should be able to have a conversation with my daughter. She should know what her birthday is. She should understand what Christmas is about. She should be walking.
I could go on and on about the things that she should be, but it’s not worth it. I am so grateful for what she can be. For what she is. She can now say what a monkey says and sometimes what a cow says. A month ago, she couldn’t. I’ll take that. I have to stay positive, no matter how hard that is. I have to face it that sometimes, it just sucks.