This scares me

My fears and anxieties have shifted in the last four years.  Pretty much all of them are now focused around Vivian.  This is one of my biggest ones:

The thought of my daughter being a special education student scares the shit out of me. I can now handle public speaking on a whim, interacting directly with executives, flying on a plane all with no problem. These are things that used to require medication to get through. Now, the mere thought of this orientation and her future in school elevates my heart rate and sends tears straight to my eyes. I try to avoid the topic with family. I put on a big smile and nod my head when I talk about it with her early intervention coordinator. I am not afraid to admit it here. I am scared. Frightened. Sad. Terrified. Upset. Every single negative adjective and I don’t know how to turn it around.

Orientation is Thursday and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make it through. I always try and stay strong for her, to be positive for everyone. This will certainly be a test. Stay tuned.

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